Tips For Setting Healthy Boundaries

Written by Ashley Grob, LCSW

Boundaries are important and necessary to carry in healthy relationships.  Boundaries allow us to feel comfortable, secure and respected.  Yet, setting boundaries can be difficult and sometimes make us feel uncomfortable.  This is especially true for those that may be naturally more passive than others.  Here are tips to consider when trying to set healthy boundaries.

Needs

What are your needs?  This may look like why you are setting the boundary in the first place.  It is important to know what you are asking for so this need can be met.  Remember that no one is a mind reader and we need to express our needs in our relationships in order for them to be met.  Here is an example: I need time to think about a big decision.  The boundary may then be, I will let you know by tomorrow.  To help you think of your reasons, make a list to help you visualize and recognize your needs. 

Priorities & Compromise 

Priorities are important in setting boundaries as this allows you to know what you may or may not be willing to compromise on.  In other words, what are your hard lines?  When we communicate our boundaries and needs our counterpart may have their own boundaries and needs we need to consider as well.  This is where our priorities come in.  If we can have our boundary met while not compromising our needs AND meet the boundary and needs of others, this is the ideal healthy boundary. 

Communication 

How will I communicate my needs, priorities and finally my boundary?  This is an important step as this is often where we may feel the most uncomfortable.  Regardless of who you need to communicate your boundary to, your boss, friend, parent, child etc.  This part can be tough.  First decide how you want to communicate your message.  Is it something that needs to be a face to face conversation, or, would a simple text be appropriate?  

Once you have determined your means of communication, think about how you want to convey your boundary.  Do you need to share your reasons or your needs?  What would you like to prioritize?  How can I express my hard line while still considering others' needs and feelings?  A tip that can be helpful in this process is to use “I” statements.  Start sentences with I need…, I would like… or I find it helpful.  Instead of saying you should…you need… or you can’t.  Using “I” statements keeps the focus on your needs.  “You” statements can come across as accusing and demanding which may lead the conversation in the wrong direction. 

Using some of these tips will be helpful in providing you an outline as to why your boundary is important, what your needs are and how to communicate them clearly.  Remember, boundaries are a necessary part of a healthy relationship and your needs are equally as important to be communicated and heard.  

If you are still feeling unsure about setting boundaries, identifying your own needs, or are struggling to prioritize and communicate your boundaries, therapy can be a useful tool to help navigate these tough decisions. Contact one of our therapists today to help you learn more about how you can start setting boundaries.